The Skin of Generations Past

In many ways I’ve been in the process of shedding my previous skin, the skin of generations past.

That skin taught me to think of and treat women differently. The word “lesser” was never used, but it was implied in so many different and subtle ways that it was all but regarded in my mind as a “fact of the world”. Something to take for granted and not to trouble myself too much with. It seemed to me that our roles were not to question the state of the world, but rather to just move along and enjoy the sights while we’re here. Because after all, this is just how the world is, right?

But really, after much introspection and self-reflection, it just feels to me like a long history of men being prideful and celebrating their own accomplishments as if they’re more important than the accomplishments of our life-mandating, equally important, other halves, women. It seems like it’s been men seeking to preserve our own victories, our own glories, and our own achievements for fear of not being “relevant” in the grand scheme of things. For fear of our own mortality, or rather, our lack of immortality. Another way of saying it is; Men seek self-preservation for fear of our own insecurities.

The end result of behaving based on fear of our own insecurities is that I believe we men, for the most part of recorded millennia, have propped ourselves up over women due to these insecurities.

I’m not fond of self-preservation at the expense of others like this. And that to me is what it feels like has been happening when it comes to the relationship between men and women, and it’s been going on like this for a VERY long time.

I also further believe that it has a long history of being done in the name of “protecting” women, or “providing” for women. This being due to man’s physical strength, or more recently, the amount of income he can provide in comparison to her. For this, I think back to more brutal times when perhaps this protection and provision was a little more valuable to both genders. But when it comes to protection, I need to ask, what is it that we men believe women need protecting from in this domesticated man-made world, besides men ourselves?

And that’s what I believe is one of the final pieces of the puzzle of man and woman. I believe that men fear other men when it comes to women. Especially if they consider the women “their” women. Much like I feel when I’m around my beloved and we’re around other men. (Oh, how I would love to rid myself of these outdated feelings!)

But what then is it that we really fear? Is it other men? In my opinion, yes, but not exactly. I feel we fear that we see ourselves, our actions, our intentions, in these other men. In other words, we fear our own self-reflections.

I’ve written to myself before, “How could other men NOT value my beloved, as highly as I do!”… And just for the record, since we’re here, I want to tell you that I now hope that they do value her as greatly as I do. And I hope that this happens for her constantly! She deserves it!

However, as I say this, I must also admit that sadly I fear I have not been able to fully master my own insecurities yet. I’m not sure it’s possible for me no matter how hard I try or what ideals I strive for. As it’s still too much for me to be within physically proximity of my beloved whilst not receiving reciprocation for my seemingly unending and perpetual feelings for her. And to me it’s now inevitable that if I’m around her while in this fragile and insecure state, a state of rejection, that it’s a severe and devastating detriment to my own self-love. And I’m not yet ready to give up my self-love! I’ve only just found it!

So, I believe that a part of this great puzzle, the puzzle of man and woman, is that man fears his own self-reflection in others. But I don’t believe that we always fear it. In fact I often feel we celebrate finding ourselves in others. And it’s one of the best ways we can truly connect with one another! However, whether we’re fearing it or celebrating it, I do believe that we often presume that others would feel similar to ourselves as we ourselves do.

Further, I believe that the fear of these self-reflections most often occur when it comes to things outside ourselves that we perceive to exist in scarcity. If things are abundant we have no need for fear of sharing. However, if things are scarce, it’s been my experience that we seek to enjoy them privately for fear of loss. For fear of self-preservation of our own personal joys, our own experiences. And what could be more scarce than an utterly unique individual whom we absolutely love and adore above all else? So, I think this fear of our own self-reflections, the fear of losing something of great scarcity to another, is one of the the root driving forces for much of the “evil” that’s been, and is currently being inflicted upon this world.

Also, I would like to say that I don’t think that this is applicable to just men… I think it’s applicable to men AND women. Because it’s clear to me that women also fear the power of other women when it comes to “their” men.

Digging deeper, I believe there’s an even greater fear tied into all of this. The fear of facing your reflection only to discover that your reflection is perceived as “better” than yourself. The fear that those who we’ve chosen to value above all others, the loves of our lives, will find more value in these supposed “imposter-self-reflections” than in our very selves.

I believe we fear the self-doubt this brings. We fear the rejection from those whom we love. Which is in a way a rejection of a supposed form of immortality, the “right to reproduce.” So it’s my belief that we’ve been too often behaving in fear, and are more often than not ruled by these very feelings of our own insecurities.

And to reiterate, this has never been more apparent to me than when it comes to valuing things which we perceive to have great scarcity. As I stated above, it’s when we perceive that something is scarce that I believe we all suddenly no longer have the intrinsic and empathetic desire to share it with others. This is when I believe individuals start treating scarce things in their lives as if they’re “theirs” instead of as a shared resource, or “ours.”

Which brings me to the final point of this observation. Since when should anybody, man or woman, ever have the right to call another “theirs” in the first place. This strange feeling of ownership over each other may actually be the true root of the problem – the puzzle of man and woman.

Actually, I’ve heard this form of ownership termed slightly differently before and I mentioned it briefly above. I’ve heard it known as one’s “right to reproduce.” Which, I’d like to point out is, AGAIN, another act of self-preservation. Or in even more other words, I believe it’s just another attempt at achieving some feeble form of immortality. The insecurity of all insecurities.

I think we can all safely agree that we would never ourselves like to be owned by another. Perhaps temporarily it could be fun! But never indefinitely. Further, I even feel that it may be just as wrong to fully “give” yourself to just ONE other. It’s still your freedom. It’s you, it’s literally all you have. To give yourself away indefinitely also seems just as wrong. Even if you believe it was your choice to begin with.

But remember that these thoughts come from someone who’s been thoroughly well versed in the art of accepting rejection. Someone who’s comfortable walking the realm of unreciprocated feelings. Someone who’s not felt the warm coupling embrace of love in some time. So in other words, I’m currently not enchanted by love’s bedazzling spell. But I surely do recall the feelings of it. The desire to become one whole flesh. To truly unite. To love as greatly and as deeply as possible. To truly give one another to each other fully.

Perhaps this is the big joke on humanity. “God’s” great source of laughter, especially when it comes to men and women. In order for life to succeed in the face of such ever present entropy life needs to cast it’s most powerful spell upon us. The spell of the desire for one’s own self-preservation, one’s immortality. Immortality even at the expense of the freedom of others.

Pursuing this dream, this spell, wandering about ever-seeking our own immortality, our supposed conquering of our own insecurities about our own mortality seems like it should be considered a noble and just one, does it not? It seems and feels like it’s intrinsically what we’re supposed to do, right? It seems like it’s what life wants from us. Nay, it feels like that’s what life demands from us!

Life seems to say, go forth and preserve yourselves at whatever the cost in order for your own form of life to continue. But therein lies the problem. I believe too often than not, in the pursuit of our own immortality, in our hasty scurry from our own insecurities, we forget the simplest of behaviors. The simplest of our own true desires. The desires spoken by each of our own childlike guiding voice that I believe we all have access to. The soft and gentle part of each of ourselves that whispers that age old rule, the golden one, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”

To conclude, I believe that a life lived deliberately is a life lived well. So I am actively trying to deliberately embrace my own insecurities while casting off my own desires for self-preservation each and every single day. I like the thought of trying to embrace each other’s differences and practicing celebrating with each other each of our many uniquenesses. Our variety. Our very own form of life’s beautiful expression of itself. I like this as opposed to thinking of each other as better or lesser self-reflections of each other.

My whole life it’s seemed that at every possible corner, every moment you give someone a chance, there’s an individual or group of individuals that are ready and waiting and are more than willing to hawk their own personal wares as to what they perceive is the uncontested and most obvious “best” or correct way to live. It comes in the form of religion, or national patriotism, or a career path, or a group of friends, or a genre of music, or how to spend your free time. It doesn’t really matter. The point is that they all seem to believe that for whatever reason, their way is the most correct way. The best way. The ONE way.

Well I too believe that there is “one” best way to live, and that this “one” way is as unique to each individual as is their very own thumbprint. I believe there are as many right ways to be as there are birds, bees, rivers, streams, leaves, and trees. I’d like to believe that if we all remember to treat each other as we ourselves would like to be treated that there would be a significant difference in in the amount of suffering in this world.

Imagine if life itself were actively taught as an artform. Where there were no better or lesser ways to live, only different ways. I feel that if we deliberately practice living life in this way we’ll all have been contributors to the greatest tapestry ever painted. And that’s a beautiful thing in and of itself, don’t you think?

-jamesdainger