What We Want

What we want is, at least sometimes, what we’re not. Just by the act of wanting to be a different way, it’s an admonition that currently we’re NOT that way.

I “want” to be good friends with my ex… Therefore, I’m currently “not” good friends with her. It’s a goal in the future, something to reach towards, an achievement, an aspiration. The point is, that it’s not NOW. It’s there in front, a marker at the end.

But why should I want for something that I’m not? Is it for her? I surely hope not. I already know that self-validation from outside sources is the beginning of the slippery slope to losing yourself. So I mustn’t “want” for that ever again.

Is it for self-improvement then? To become a “better” me in some way? But I already am happy with who I am, so why should I “want” to be different than I am?

I do believe there is at least one good reason for “wanting” to be different than I am. I think it makes sense to want to be different once you realize that how you have been, is NOT treating others like you yourself would like to be treated. I think it’s noble and correct to want to change your behaviors when you recognize that your behaviors are causing harm to others. Harm that you yourself know you would not enjoy. That’s one case for sure, where I am completely okay with “wanting” to be something different than I currently am.

So if the goal of my want is some form of self-improvement, well is that really even a “better” me? Does self-improvement mandate “betterness”? No. It’s just a different me. And I am content with who I am now. I love me… Even with all of my insecurities and self-doubts, they are all a part of this confusing jumble that is me. And I am beautiful as I am.

So to “want” to change myself is an admonition that I am not currently happy with myself. So in some ways, to want something is to invite self-doubt. As if the you in the future with all of your wants met is somehow “better” than you are right NOW. What a silly train of thought!

-jamesdainger