The Secret Wish of The Admitted Wrongdoer

Today, I want to try to talk about, what could be argued, the last of my distant past behaviors, which I feel worth addressing, with respect to the things I’ve carried internal guilt or shame about.

And once again, as with every single one of these topics, discussing these things is extremely challenging for me.

So, let’s dive back in.

There’s two things I’ll cover today. And both involve behaviors of mine with respect, not to other human beings, but rather towards our four-legged furry friends whom we bring into our homes for companionship, our pets.

Now, the first I want to discuss, I’m a little conflicted about. Because this behavior occurred at such a young age, I don’t feel entirely right calling myself out about it, but still, I know it’s embarrassing, and I know it’s going to take some courage to talk about. So, with one of my goals still being, to have as clear a conscience as I’m able, I’ll talk about it.

Like many of the most troubling moments in life, this one has to do with the age of sexual maturity, those confusing years of puberty, when the dormant life-reproducing functions of the human body, for the very first time, suddenly turn on.

And well, the short of it is…

While trying to figure out how to handle all of the new chemical impulses of my body, one time, I attempted satisfying those chemical impulses by dry-humping our pet puppy.

I don’t remember distinct details of this scenario very vividly at all, besides one. The puppy did not enjoy this activity and sought to leave, while I wanted otherwise.

This happened, as far as I’m able to accurately recall, one time. Though I can’t say for certain if my memory fails me and there was actually a second.

It was definitely very short lived. And for other reasons, determined by my parents I believe being overwhelmed with the responsibilities of all their children plus a puppy, found a new household for the puppy.

Again, how I feel about this one, is umm… Well, for sure embarrassed for myself, and not proud of my behaviors. But, I do genuinely feel these behaviors were in complete ignorance of my actions causing harm or distress to another. And also, the behavior wasn’t something persistent. It feels like it was a one-off instance that occurred while dealing with the beginnings of the whirlwind of chemical reactions involved with puberty. Which, by no means ought to be justification for the behavior. But nevertheless, I know my heart doesn’t weigh super heavy within me about this. And, throughout this entire process, it’s been my heart which has been my ultimate guide.

Now however, the next behavior I wish to address, is something which does weigh heavy within me. It’s the one which has really been calling upon me to open up and talk about. It’s a behavior I definitely carry some deep shame about.

I carry genuine shame about this because, well for one, I was older. I believe this would have occurred closer to my time in high school. And two, this behavior was violent. And I don’t like to consider myself to be a violent person. Especially because of the ugliness of some of the violence I know I’ve been around. But, regardless of how I’d like to see myself, this was definitely an act of violence, I’m the one who behaved this way, and it wasn’t good.

Okay, here we go.

At this point in my time growing up, my family had many pets. Maybe four, maybe more. Two dogs, I believe, and two cats.

This violent behavior I’m going to discuss has to do with one of the cats—Sysco (sp?).

So, what happened…

Is it was sometime midday. I think I was home alone, but I don’t know for sure.

I was down in the family room playing a video game.

I don’t recall what game it was, but I do recall I was intently focused on it. I was enjoying one of my favorite past times, during one of the rarer instances when the rest of the family wasn’t around so I could truly relax and dive deep into the activity.

Well, what happened was…

Sysco wanted some love.

And he wanted some love a bit aggressively, the way he would.

He came over and rubbed himself up next to me, asking for pets, and asking for attention. So, I gave him a little, and then set him aside, focusing back on my game.

And then, he came back.

So, I turned away from my game, pet him some more, but only briefly. Afterwards, I set him aside and tried to shush him away so I could get back to my game.

This back and forth went on for what felt like quite some time.

Me trying to enjoy my game, and Sysco consistently demanding, what he particularly wanted during this time was some love and affection.

As this continued to go on, instead of me choosing to have a perspective of this being an opportunity to happily reciprocate Sysco’s love, I was finding myself becoming increasingly more and more annoyed.

The thing about how Sysco showed love, is he was actually quite forceful about it. He’d come push himself into you with most of his muscle. And usually, it was quite an endearing part of him. But, when you’re trying to focus on something else, it can feel like quite a demanding thing. And, when the way he pushes himself on and around you, starts interrupting things (he was stepping all over the controller and pushing into buttons), that’s when for me, that demanding love began to leave the realm of feeling endearing, and instead was becoming annoying.

So, like I said, this back and forth went on for what feels like quite awhile.

Him pushing onto me, and me pushing him away.

How I feel about how I was responding to him during this, was eventually I was giving pretty strong signals I wasn’t appreciating his requests for love any more.

I stopped giving him the requested pets to hopefully not encourage him. Then, I was pushing him away from me. Then, I was pushing him away from me a few steps. And then, I moved him away from me several steps. Until finally, as he continued to persist in aggressively pushing himself onto me, I’d had enough. The amount of annoyance I could deal with had reached it’s threshold, and sadly, I reacted violently.

I picked him up, and with force, threw him away from me.

It was enough force he hit the wall of the room hard, he let out a yelp, and then ran away.

It wasn’t good.

But now, right this moment, as I’m currently reflecting on this and detailing the story, I can see for the most part, up until the point I reacted violently, I feel I wasn’t behaving too terribly.

I’d had some boundaries established. I tried to enforce those boundaries. And then, as I kept having the boundaries I felt I was communicating be ignored, I began to feel aggressed upon. Which led to me establishing even firmer boundaries. This continued all the way up to the point I didn’t feel my communication regarding my boundaries was being understood at all. At which point, as his behaviors continued, I behaved in a way I have shame about. I allowed my emotions to take control and I reacted with, first I guess rage, followed then by violence.

Rage and violence are things I do not like to be around. I learned I don’t like being around these emotions pretty early on. Because frankly, I feel they’re part of my father’s favorite default methods for expressing himself. And if they’re not favorites, I’m not sure why he’d continue to choose to express himself this way so regularly, other than he’s not been able to see any reason to adjust his behavior and instead, choose to express his hard to deal with emotions, in some other way.

But, back to my behavior.

Beyond just not being happy with myself for the fact I’d exhibited rage and violence… It’s that the rage and violence I exhibited were in reaction to something trying to show and ask for love. And further, that the results of my violent action were sadly, lifelong.

Yes, lifelong.

My violent act of throwing Sysco away from me into a wall, resulted in the consequence that for the rest of his life, Sysco had an injured voice box.

He couldn’t make the same sounds he’d been able to make before. And every time I’d hear it, I knew deep within me, it just had to be associated with when I’d thrown him away from me.

So, yeah…

My violence resulted in a permanent lifelong change to another living thing.

And I feel awful about it.

There’s no way for me to make up for it. Definitely not to Sysco specifically. It’s something that happened, which I’m responsible for, and he’s long since left this world.

The only thing I feel I’m able to do, is to offer a commitment to do my best to avoid the pitfalls of rage and violence as best I can.

So, thinking about it, and wanting to find some way of making an earnest commitment to not participate in such behavior patterns again…

Firstly, I do think it’s worth stating, across the entirety of my life—I’m now in my early forties—experiencing rage and exhibiting violence, are things I feel have been very rare for me. Sadly, my ex-wife is the one who’s had to experience the ugliest sides of me the most, and she has a right to the truth of her experience. However, that’s not the focus of what I’m looking to express at this moment. And, as stated, I do feel for myself, these types of behaviors have been very minimal.

I do not enjoy them.

I don’t enjoy them at me, and I don’t enjoy me sending them at others.

So, as for making a commitment toward avoiding future moments of rage and violence, what I suppose I feel comfortable with, is when I find myself in a scenario where my boundaries are being pushed over and over again, instead of waiting and allowing my boundaries to continue to be pushed, I feel pretty good with making a commitment to doing my best to recognize my boundaries are being pushed. And, once I’ve recognized my boundaries are being pushed, doing one of two things:

One, removing myself from the scenario (my default).

Or…

Two, attempting to more effectively communicate my boundaries first, ensuring I’ve expressed myself as well as I feel I’m able before allowing my feelings of my boundaries being pushed, to evoke the eventual feelings of frustration, which can lead to rage, which can then so easily be followed by actions of violence.

Okay. I think that feels like a good commitment to offer up, and I hope to be able to live up to it.

I know just by making an earnest commitment in no way fixes the pain of my past actions, and it’s not going to make anything anew, but it’s at least something actionable, within the realm of things I do have conscious power over to control.

And so, that’s it.

That’s what I think is the very last of the list of the most shameful distant past things, which I haven’t yet taken the time to address, that I’ve carried regret around within me about.

Now, this doesn’t mean I’ve thoroughly covered every single “wrong”, or every single “slight” I’ve ever given across the entirety of my life. Rather, what I feel I’ve covered, are the things which have been ultimately the hardest for me to be honest about. The things that somewhere deep inside of me, which, well… in a way, feels like “they’ve” been asking to be addressed, “they’ve” been asking to be processed, or maybe “they’ve” simply been asking, to be put to rest.

And those things, the things which have been asking for it, those are the things which now, I feel I’ve met their request.

Of course, I may find myself surprised, and something new floats through my conscience requesting yet again, another one of a different past behaviors of mine to be revisited. Because after all, this whole process has already constantly surprised me, with just how many ugly actions and behaviors I’ve participated in. And then, instead of dealing with them, choosing to carry them around within me in quiet shame.

Because, how this has all worked for me so far, is one after the other, as I’ve dealt with each one of them, consistently once some time has passed, another inevitably always seems to float to the surface. Reminding me it exists, and reminding me, it too, would also like to be addressed.

So who knows, perhaps there’s still some more to visit lurking somewhere within me. But, for the time being, I feel my goal of setting out to, I guess, cleanse my conscience, is complete.

Ready and fresh for all sorts of new acts of ignorance to occur, and have me perhaps once again, choose not to talk about them, for a very long while.

Uggh!

I hope not!

But, I guess we’ll see.

Yet, before I do consider this complete, I think it’s worth stating, I genuinely feel with these past two shameful behaviors I discussed today, because of the fact they did not involve any other human beings, I truly believe there was no way for anyone to have ever known I participated in these behaviors.

But, whether or not I could be “caught”, or even “suspected”, by anyone else about these behaviors, has not at all been the point of this entire process for me.

The point for me, as to why I’ve been doing this, has always been something else. It’s been because I learned something. I learned something in a very long, and very hard way.

What I learned, is I can not, in no way ever, escape from my very own self.

I’m stuck with me. I’m stuck with my choices, and I’m stuck with my behaviors. There’s no getting out of my self, but perhaps maybe one. And that path, thankfully, is no longer a path I’m interested in walking.

So, the fact no one else could’ve ever known about these past misdeeds is very much irrelevant to me. Because at the end of the day, “I” would know. And whether other’s know about it or not, doesn’t change the fact “I” would definitely know about it. And “I” am the one who has to live with it.

But thankfully, my past self is NOT my present self. And nor is it my future self.

I know this very much. And I do believe I have it within myself to not feel permanently defined by my past choices. Yes, they’re a part of me for sure. There’s no escaping that. But they’re a part of me I can choose to hide from, or I can choose to grow from.

And well, I guess I got real sick of hiding.

Which, as it turns out, I’m not very good at. Even if I wished to believe I could be.

So, to summarize what I feel I’ve come to learn about this whole process I’ve been participating in, this particular way of unveiling myself…

Is first, I’ve definitely been participating in this, for myself.

It’s been for me to have the courage to take ownership in my own behaviors and my own actions.

And second, I’ve been participating in this with the hopes of finding some forgiveness. Finding forgiveness from others for my own wrong behaviors and actions. But it’s not just forgiveness from others I’ve sought. But also, by going through these motions I’ve hoped to find some forgiveness for myself, from myself.

And lastly, but maybe most importantly, I’ve been going through this process for those whom I’ve wronged. Because well, I’ve done wrong. But also, I too, have been wronged.

I too, was once lifted off the ground and thrown violently against a wall in a fit of rage. And I too, was once dry-humped by someone else when I was far too little to understand what any of it might mean.

And well, for the longest time I’ve had a secret hope, a secret wish. I’ve hoped those who’d wronged me, would one day, they themselves of their own accord, choose to come apologize to me for their specific wrongdoings toward me. Letting me know, they’ve learned earnestly, those specific behaviors are behaviors they no longer wish to participate in. That they’ve decided to grow, and treat it as the only thing I believe it productively can be—an opportunity for some learning from our past mistakes.

But, after waiting for such a very long while, I eventually came to some understandings. I realized I too, had been a person who’d undeniably wronged others. And I knew, in my heart of hearts this was true. So, if I were secretly wishing and waiting for my own wrongdoers to come offer apologies to me, well then it follows, those whom I myself had wronged, might very well likely have the exact same secret wish.

A secret wish for their particular wrongdoers to apologize to them.

A secret wish for me, their wrongdoer, to offer as sincere and specific an apology as I could, to them.

And that’s, why I’ve done this.

Because we’ve all wronged. And as far as I can tell, it feels very rare for any of us wrongdoers to openly admit and discuss any of our own wrongdoings.

And well, I know at least for myself… That secret wish. Well, that secret wish to me… Is very dear indeed.

So, from the perspective I came to, the only thing about any of these realizations which I have any meaningful power to take any action upon, was quite easy to see…

It’s for me, to try to be the person who could fulfill that secret wish, for well…

Any of you, other me’s.

Then, at the very least, some us living through all this, get the chance to have that secret wish actually met.

I just have to be the person willing to make that secret wish a reality.

Me, the admitted wrongdoer.

And of course afterwards, after meeting that secret wish… Doing my very best to avoid those same wrongs again. So I don’t have to go through this incredibly challenging, incredibly vulnerable bit of self-expression any more.

And lastly, as a final note. I think it’s also worth sharing, as I’ve gone through this process, hoping to meet the “secret wish” of anyone whom I had been their particular wrongdoer, I’ve found a very unexpected benefit. What I’ve found is, by being the person to grant my own wishful desires to others, somehow, my own need for the exact same wishful act to be sent my way, has lessened incredibly. It’s in a way, granted me peace. Because now I know, at least someone has had it done for them, even if it’s not done for me.

And surprisingly, knowing I’ve done it for others, well… Somehow, the experience of participating in the act, even from the side of the admitted wrongdoer, seems to be more than enough for me.

Thanks for reading.

-Love,
-jamesdainger