Ignorant Idiot Me

A large part of my personal desire to maintain this writing space, is to have a space reserved for personally acknowledging, and truthfully exploring many of the facets of my past. But in particular, the uglier, and oft-not-discussed facets of my past. Which to me means, unearthing, and working through the plenty of undesirable behaviors I know I’ve exhibited throughout my time. 

In short, a very large part of my motivation for this writing space, is to publicly host the various things in my life, I know, I’m ashamed of.

And today, I’m interested in exploring a part of my past, I’m INCREDIBLY ashamed of. 

I’m interested in exploring the fact, that for a short period of time, I was actively proud of being a self-declared, racist human being.

Yes.

You read it right.

I… 

Was once proud… 

To consider myself… 

A racist.

As in, I actively thought, and sought out reasons to prove to myself, and to others, that not all races were ultimately worth considering as equals. But instead, that some races in particular, ought to be generally thought of as simply lesser, when compared to another. All rationalized due to broad sweeping generalizations I had made about a particular people’s culture, heritage, or ancestry. With most of the sweeping generalizations being easily, and clearly identified, simply by observing the differences in the color of a person’s skin.

As I stated, this is something I’m incredibly ashamed of, and as such, I haven’t been looking forward to writing about this, because it’s such an unpleasant part of myself to visit. But, I AM interested in being as honest and vulnerable as I can be. And I recognize my desire for transparency, clearly outweighs the weight of my shame these days. So… Here I am.

And with that, let’s dive in.

A racist!?!

What?!?

Well, the truth of it is, it all started as a joke. At least for me, I know it was “initially” a joke. But, unfortunately, it didn’t STAY a joke.

The way I remember it starting, was at the end of a teenage summer with one of my closest friends. I think we were likely 15, or 16.

My friend had gone to live with extended family for the summer, and when my friend returned, they returned with many new things. New experiences to share, new stories to tell, and unfortunately, they also returned with some new “colorful expressions of speech.” Expressions of speech which are most definitely racist.

Now, don’t get me wrong, before my friend introduced me to these new “colorful expressions” of theirs, I had already heard these sorts of phrases spoken aloud many times before. I had heard them from various, hard to identify, culturally absorbed places. From things like television shows, books, and movies. 

But, every time I had heard them from places such as those, they never really “registered” within me. Rather, these expressions seemed to exist solely in the “make-believe” realm. They were for pretending. 

And if for some reason, I heard these expressions uttered in a non-theatrical way, I know a part of me also understood, these sorts of expressions did indeed exist in actual reality as; incredibly insulting things which “could” be said to another individual, in order to attempt to cause the other distressful verbal harm. But, only “if” someone “actually wished” to cause, verbal, distressful harm “to” another.

And for the most part, I recognize I grew up in a fairly kind environment. An environment which was mostly devoid of individuals intentionally attempting to cause verbal, actually distressful, and hopefully permanent harm to one another. An environment which lacked these sorts of intentionalities, in any particular way, let alone via racist communications. In hindsight, the environment of my youth might best be described simply as “mild” when compared to some.

So, these “colorful expressions of speech,” which I knew existed, they primarily existed for me, only in the world of fiction. 

At least, until my friend’s summer-time stay with extended family.

I don’t actually know what happened during my friend’s summer-time stay. All I know is what I experienced. My friend came home from the trip, and afterwards, my friend began laughingly, jokingly, and somewhat seemingly seriously, making off-color remarks about the nature of other human beings. Other human beings which were of a race other than our mutually-shared own.

This was for me, the first time I had encountered these sorts of “colorful expressions of speech” during my day-to-day existence. And because of the amount of respect and admiration I had for my friend, I didn’t find myself reacting to these expressions in any sort of immediately negative way.

Rather, I accepted the new phrases along with, and as part of, the “humor” which seemed to be expected to be understood through my friend’s communication of the phrases. 

In other words, I believe I wanted to “fit in” with the new language my friend had adopted. So I chose to view the expressions as harmless, meaningless things, which were meant “only in jest.”

And, I mean, come on! What’s the harm with wanting to fit in? Especially, when what’s being expressed is “just a joke,” right?

So… 

That’s that. 

That’s how I feel a seed of racism, innocuously found a way to take root within me; Due to my inner-desire to fit in, and maintain status, with a respected friend.

And from here, from this point forward, come the moments which bring me the absolute most shame about my experiences with actively being racist. Because, from this point forward, I too became comfortable in expressing the same “colorful expressions of speech” my friend had. I too sought to cause a little “shock,” and evoke a little laughter from my other peers, through expressing these types of insulting sentences.

Essentially, the “shock” and “humor” of the phrases had “worked” on me. And so now, it was my turn to try out this new, learned way of communicating, with others.

It was during this time, this time of me stretching and flexing a new adopted way of poking fun at others, I even participated in forming a “club” of sorts. A club meant to “represent” this poking-of-fun at others. A club meant for expressing disdain, dislike, and disgust for a particular race of people. But, it was of course, “all okay,” because it was all, “just a joke.”

Right? 

Right?!?

Well, I know now, it was incredibly wrong and insulting. And, I sincerely believe the, “just a joke” thing, deserves it’s own, extremely deep-dove investigation and exploration at some point. But, as a young teenager, these unfortunately, WERE NOT my feelings. Because: 

“No one’s ACTUALLY getting hurt here!”

“It’s just funny!”

“And besides, I’m BOLD and DARING because I say risqué things!”

“Just look at the uncertainty and respect I’m getting from others by doing so!”

In short, I was an ignorant idiot who was wooed by the collective esteem of my peers, and spent my time and efforts trying to carve some sort of unique “respect niche” for myself out of my collective surroundings. And I did all of this by being an offensive and disrespectful person.

So, how offensive was I? 

By my current reasoning…

Pretty damn offensive!

The “club” I “founded” was EXTREMELY offensive. Which is readily apparent just through understanding the name of the club itself: “The KTO.” Which ashamedly stands for: “Kill The Orient.”

Yep.

You read that right too.

“Kill The Orient.”

As in, I had taken it upon myself to focus my particular brand of racism towards Asians. So much so, I used an initialized name of a “club,” as a “code word” to quickly, and secretly, express negative feelings about a whole other people.

I was a VERY ignorant idiot!

Now, prior to the forming of my racist “club,” my friend had also formed a similar club, one which unfortunately did serve as the inspiration for mine. And my friend’s club had just as offensive of a name, but it targeted other peoples. 

And sadly, after the “forming” of my friend’s “club,” in an effort of mimicry, because obviously… at this point in our journey, the new, cool thing to do with these jokingly “colorful expressions” we had been using, was now, to form a “hate club.”

So, in an incredibly inspirationally bankrupt way, “of course,” I chose to follow suit. I went along with my collective’s momentum, and I chose to “form” The KTO. 

But, it’s not THAT big of a deal, right?

Because, THANK GOODNESS we’ve already taken the time, to firmly establish this is ALL OKAY, because it was ALL… CLEARLY… “Only a joke!”

Right? 

Right?!?

…

Ignorant idiot, I am indeed!

So, that was the genesis of the “forming” of my very own, racist hate club, The KTO. 

Formed from a desire to keep up with what I’d perceived as a trend amongst my peers. Which I believed was, ultimately harmless, supposed to be a joke, and would garner me valuable “respect points” via shock and humor from my peer group.

And that’s basically, how I transitioned from being a “non-racist human,” to being an “actual-racist human.”

Through seeking forms of peer-approval. Which took shape in the form of bolstering my own individual brand and identity, by mocking, insulting, and belittling others. All while telling myself repeatedly, it was, “just a joke.”

My behaviors during this time are not behaviors I’m now proud of whatsoever, but they’re STILL my past behaviors, and I own them. I unfortunately know through other, VERY long fought experiences, there’s never any changing that.

With that being said, I personally don’t recall many of the, I’m sure, incredibly asinine behaviors I exhibited during this ugly time of my past life. In fact, I’d like to believe I don’t recall many of them because I never truly embraced the words, behaviors, or actions I participated in, as being anything more than just very cruel humor, but still, only humor. 

Yet, I fret I can’t truly rely on that wishful belief either. Because, even if I didn’t truly believe in what it was I was expressing—due to my considering it “only a joke”—I was still “playing the role” of a racist human. Therefore, I was fulfilling the “expression” of that role in the eyes of those around me. Which more than likely led to further “expressions” of that role of which I’m completely unaware, yet still, participated in the creation of.

With all of that being said, not knowing the extent of the harm I’ve most probably caused due to my choice to “play the role” of a racist human, and even though I don’t “feel” I remember many of my behaviors during this time, there IS one instance of myself exhibiting racism, which I do, sadly, ashamedly, and quite clearly remember. One instance which still wrenches my heart whenever I think about it. An instance I don’t want to discuss, but am now about to.

And actually… With respect to this, it’s first worth noting, in my personally lived reality, I truly don’t quite “remember” this instance, either. Not exactly. 

I don’t “remember” it, because during the course of my behavior throughout this instance, I was completely, and totally, “high-school-black-out drunk.” I remember absolutely nothing of this unfortunate series of choices I made.

But, “how” I remember it, and “how” it still wrenches my heart when I think upon it, is due to my friend’s retelling the events to me a day-or-two later. They let me know what it was I had done, and what pain I had caused, on this one particular day.

So, what it essentially was, is one day I was “riled up,” for one reason or another, and I had some sort of a “racist bravado and fervor” flowing through me—which can happen when a person harboring a racist perspective is extremely drunk and inebriated. And then, I chose to verbally channel that “racist bravado and fervor” at an innocent, and extremely undeserving person. And sadly, I did so to the point of the person openly breaking down into tears.

My friends and I had been recreating and drinking this day. At some point, we eventually found ourselves at a fast-food chain, looking to eat something, of what I presume at this point was, much more needed than any more alcohol.

During our, I’m guessing, brief time inside the restaurant, a young Asian girl entered, and got into queue to order food. And it’s here, for reasons unbeknownst to sober me, I apparently decided to be a narrow-scoped, insufferable idiot. 

I must’ve somehow got it into my head to say something racist to her. So, apparently I approached her, and proceeded to verbally accost her with actual racist hate-speech.

And I was apparently so insistent, about communicating my racist feelings towards her, I MADE SURE she heard me. I MADE SURE she knew, what I was communicating, was RACIST, and was DIRECTLY aimed at her.

Unfortunately, for everyone there, I succeeded in my mission to communicate these things to her. Because as my friends told me, she began to cry. 

Once this happened, I presume, and hope, my friends collected me, rushed me out of the building, and then piled me into the car, so as to leave the extremely disturbing situation I had created, as fast as possible.

And that’s it. That’s effectively the end of the story of the most racist thing I’ve ever done toward another individual. I verbally accosted an innocent stranger with racist hate-speech, to the point of tears.

Looking back, it’s clear, I’ve been a despicable, cruel, and awful human being.

Ignorant idiot me.

So, now that we’re here—some two-and-a-half decades later—due to the scenario, I have no real way of finding any means of reaching out to this person in order to attempt to cobble together some feeble apology to offer to her. Not that she would ever even want to hear from me at all in the first place anyways. But still, I recognize a genuine attempt at a personal apology, seems an impossibility.

And because of this impossibility, this is one of the behaviors of my past, I’ve not felt I’ve ever been able to work on resolving. So instead, it’s laid dormant in me for quite some time.

Well, until now, really.

So, that interaction with the young woman in a fast food queue, is by my esteem, the absolute worst thing I’ve done with respect to racism in my life. That, and the forming of a hate club, as well as recruiting for it.

It was rude, pointless, insulting, and just plain cruel of me to do. Truly one of the ugliest, of my unfortunately many, unsightly heads.

I wish I had the means to directly say sorry and attempt to apologize to her, but I don’t. So, a non-specific apology sent out through the aether, through the reading of these words you’re reading now, is what I suppose will have to do.

But apologies are, umm… “tricky,” for me. 

They’re tricky for me, in that my life’s been such, that unfortunately at this point, I’ve had so many reasons to apologize for different ugly behaviors of mine, I’m well practiced at it. So much so, I think it’d be fair to say, I’ve learned some things about the process of apologizing. At least, I feel I’ve learned some things about the process of apologizing with respect to myself, and how I feel about how I like to personally approach it.

So, what I’ve learned about apologizing is, in order for me to apologize, I feel strongly, not only do I need to go through the act of “communicating an apology,” but also, I need to ensure I’ve already “meaningfully adjusted,” or at least “committed to adjusting my future behavior” in such a way, I know I’ve done everything I can, to try my best “to not repeat the behaviors of which I’m apologizing for.”

So, the question for me is, “How do I approach communicating apologizing for my past-practiced racist behaviors?”

Which, for my own learned practice of apologizing, includes the additional stipulation:

“How do I make a commitment to a behavioral adjustment regarding racism, of which I feel comfortable I can earnestly live up to?”

Turns out, with respect to this topic, what I feel I ought to apologize for, is a bit of a difficult thing for me to accurately identify. I say this because, as I analyze my behavior surrounding my racist actions, I can lump the racism of which I participated in, into two, very generalized, “ways-of-being.” 

For communicative purposes, I’ll name these two different “ways-of-being” in a manner I hope effectively communicates what I’ll be attempting to describe. 

The first, we’ll call the behaviors of a: “different’ist.“

And the second, the behaviors of a: “similar’ist.”

Now, firstly, and immediately, I want to say, I feel the act of “being” either of these two different things, is something I think is natural, healthy, and extremely useful. And I want to make clear, I feel VERY strongly about this, as opposed to not. 

Well… 

Basically…

And hopefully more clearly…

I think the act of practicing life, while “utilizing” these two different functions (being a “different’ist” or a “similar’ist”), is essentially, the ONLY WAY, I’ve EVER known life to be. I’d just never taken the time to break apart and understand the processes before, quite in this way.

So specifically, what I mean by being a “different’ist” or a “similar’ist,” is the act of using oneself as a focal point, a metric, or a reference, for use in comparison, to literally, every, single, other thing.

Combined, these two behavioral “operations,” create a process of checking oneself against any, other thing, with the goal of discovering, what’s the “same” between oneself and the thing (“similar’ist”), as well as what’s “different” between oneself and the thing (“different’ist”).

It’s still something I do to this day. It’s an autonomous thing, which feels so ingrained within me, I’m doubtful I could ever exercise my will to adjust it in any sort of a meaningful way.

It’s the practice of two competing, but absolutely intertwined, “being-operators.” And, due to my love of math, moving forward, for the purposes of discussing this topic, and to add a bit of further definition to this process, I’d like to lean a little into using two of the principle mathematical operators, which are introduced and discussed in Calculus. The mathematic operators of differentiation, and integration.

In other words, we’re simply discussing the act of looking for “differences” between oneself and the world around oneself, or looking for “similarities” between oneself and the world around oneself. The natural act of autonomously parsing the world of which “one’s found oneself in,” as “different’ists,” or “similar’ists.” The acts of seeking self-differentiation, or self-integration.

When utilized by any being, what I feel the process of these two operators serve, is exactly, for both of them, one and the same goal—simply: To “know” oneself. Or more precisely, to “know oneself” as defined by one’s “immediate environment.”

It’s how we ascertain data about our very own selves, when compared to everything else.

And I’m currently fairly certain, it’s near the most basic operation of consciousness. It feels like it’s literally a basic building block of “how we be.”

So, back to my past-practiced racism, and finding a suitable apology of which I feel I can earnestly live up to for those behaviors. What I feel, is the practice of noticing “differences” or “similarities” in those around me when compared to myself, is DEFINITELY NOT something I feel prepared to apologize for. It’s something I still actively do, and I don’t think I could ever actually stop doing it. So instead, I feel I need to search a little further, or dig a little deeper, in order to properly frame, WHAT EXACTLY, I feel comfortable apologizing for, and therefore, being able to hopefully, successfully live up to.

After spending some time pondering this, I’ve found there IS something I know I’ve tended to struggle with fairly consistently when it comes to this; The realm of “self-definition” and “comparative analysis.” And, what it is… Is I feel when I’m utilizing “comparative analysis” (when I’m seeking to understand myself compared to the world immediately around me), I feel too often, I find myself tending to want to associate any number of “qualitative assertions” ALONGSIDE the findings OF my “comparative analysis.”

Meaning, as I compare, I feel too often, I also try to “immediately associate” some sort of “quality” to the “differences” and “similarities” I’ve discovered in my comparisons. Or, in other words, I try to “suss out,” some sort of “betterness” or “lesserness” between the objects of comparison. 

Essentially, I’ll try to find the “differences” between some things, the “similarities,” and then almost immediately afterwards, I also try to determine which of the things is “the better,” and which, is “the lesser.”

It’s like an additional operation built into my “comparative analysis.” And, most likely it’s there due to necessary survival programming.

(i.e. “This shelter” is better than “that shelter,” “this path” is less dangerous than “that path,” etc…)

My tendency to want to associate a “quality,” to my autonomous internal comparisons, seems like it’s definitely a very natural part of my “survival algorithm.” In fact, it seems so natural, it’s sometimes hard to even recognize the automation of this particular inner process as it occurs. But, I KNOW I do it. And, I do it OFTEN.

The thing is, even though this feels like a very important, and quite natural part of my pattern-seeking, quality-comparing, inner-process… When it comes to certain things—like when it comes to other people—I’ve found a couple of things…

First, when this process is applied by me, between myself and another human being, it takes on a subtly different nature. It becomes a way for me to define myself through, what feel’s right to call, a process of “Inverse Self-Definition.” 

What “Inverse Self-Definition” means to me, is the process of “defining oneself,” via what’s “observed by the self,” as “the self IS NOT.” Or, in the more offensive versions of it, the process of “defining the self,” via “what the self wishes, to NOT BE defined as.”

(i.e. “I am NOT weak like that other person.”, “I am NOT dumb like that other person.” or, “I am NOT ‘whatever,’ like that other person…”

Further examples, with even more definition included:

“I am STRONG! Not like that WEAK person!”,

“I am SMART! Not like that DUMB person!”,

“I am ‘WHATEVER!’ Not like that ‘LACKING WHATEVER’ person!”

or just simply,

“I AM! Not like that AM NOT!”)

Which, when practiced this way, is in my experience, often an incredibly inaccurate self-definition. As it seems much more common to me, the self can be a very fickle thing, especially when it comes to being defined in any way which might have any sort of a negative attribute associated with it.

So, when utilized in the above manner towards another human being, I’ve found that the nature of “qualitative comparative analysis” (assigning qualities to the “similarities” and the “differences” found between two humans), when, for one of the individuals it’s being used as a form of “Inverse Self-Definition,” it can become something which in my opinion, is typically not useful, to any sort of truly nurturing, or growth-inspiring “way-of-being.” But instead, it feels to contain characteristics of having a “hewing,” or “rending” action, or some other sort of action which results in psychological or ego-associated violence to either, the self who’s doing the comparison, or the other who’s being compared.

In other words, assigning noticed and identified qualities between humans, in my opinion, more often leads to destructive outcomes than constructive ones. And I believe this to be true for all parties involved.

Now, moving on to the other thing I’ve learned when considering the practice of applying “qualitative comparison” between humans. It’s that, associating hard, static, rigid, or unchanging qualities to other individuals, almost always fails to accurately and fairly encapsulate who, exactly, an individual person actually is.

In fact, even further into this observation, the more I’ve explored this general concept, the more I continue to confirm for myself, that attempting to make ANY “rigid,” “qualitative associations” with ANYTHING, is typically an exercise in missing nearly the entire point, of the parts of this existence I’ve come to recognize, I greatly, and most sincerely enjoy.

In other words, I’ve found the more I “cling” to any sort of “rigidity,” about anything, the more I’m likely to have not been paying attention to the parts of this experience which bring me some of my own personally recognized, greatest amounts of joy. Because rather, what happens instead, is I find when I’m “clinging rigidly” to something, I’m typically setting myself up for some sort of, eventual “failed expectation.” Which I now recognize as being due, to a personally-very-slowly-noticed, inherent and intrinsic lack of actual rigidness, to be found anywhere, within the whole wide world. 

And, this “failed expectation,” is EXACTLY where disappointment lies, along with the feelings of frustration and dissatisfaction. It lies precisely within my own “expected rigidity” of any given thing, which will undoubtedly at some point, inevitably prove to NEVER have been, as rigid as I’d originally assumed it to be. And then, once that happens, due to my “clinging to a hope for some sort of rigidness,” I’m left befuddled, and more often than not, frustrated.

Because, “Hey wait! Wait just a second! I thought things would ALWAYS be this ONE, RIGID WAY! But look. Here’s this peculiar instance where it’s not that way. And now I’m wrong. I don’t like being wrong! What IS this!?!”

Having had this happen many, many times now, given any scenario in which I find myself feeling some sort of an “undesirable way,” what I can almost always inevitably find, to at least be a part of my own personal contribution to the scenario—and therefore, a part of my own personal contribution to my being in some “undesirable way”—is somewhere, there’s a part of myself attempting to “depend on,” or “expect,” some sort of “rigid quality,” of one sort or another, from some other, particular thing.

In other words, well actually, in words I understand to be more “Buddhist” words, it’s my, “Clinging to some permanence, in an otherwise impermanent world,” which brings about my undesirable “way-of-being.”

My “clinging to some rigidity,” in a world which constantly, and repeatedly proves, it’s both rigid and nonrigid all at once, is typically the root thing I know, I’m solely responsible for with respect to any situation in which I find myself in an “undesirable way.” Therefore, whenever I’ve found myself experiencing any sort of “undesirable experience,” my own individual choice, to choose “to cling,” or “not to cling” to something “rigidly,” is often, one of the ONLY ACTUAL THINGS, which I know I have ANY direct control over.

So, to summarize the other thing I’d noticed to be problematic, when considering the practice of applying “qualitative comparison” between humans, it’s that attempting to rely heavily on the use of any sort of rigid expectations within any qualitative label applied to a human, well, it’s simply, that it’s folly. It’s a short-sighted, narrow-scoped, and unreliable practice.

It fails to take into account my own personally recognized fact, that not only is the world itself, something that’s not rigid, but humans also, are clearly not rigid. Humans can, and do change. I personally know this very well. Because, and not without great effort, I’ve personally enacted my own self-directed individual change. Not to mention, the naturally occurring change which occurs autonomously, for every single thing in existence, including humans.

So, relying on rigid qualitative values being assigned to any human, can definitely be a mistake. Maybe not always at first, but at some point, I know doing so contains the possibility of setting myself up for a failed expectation of one sort, or another, and to varying degrees of magnitude.

Now, to rewind a bit, and bring things back to establishing something I feel comfortable apologizing for with respect to my past-practiced racism, I think, where I want to focus my efforts, is on my my own natural tendency to want to ascribe “qualitative comparative values” to other things. But, in this case, more specifically, my own natural tendency to want to ascribe “qualitative comparative values” to other “human beings.” 

I think this automatic tendency, or practice of mine, is something which in general, has led more frequently to erroneous “ways-of-being,” for myself and those I interact with, than it’s served in any sort of beneficial, survivalistic way.

Meaning, that when I use this practice as a form of “Inverse Self-Definition,” I feel it’s too often, either been the source of my ego trying to assert itself as “being better” in some way or another OVER another individual, OR instead, it becomes a source of personal insecurity, as I feel a sense of inadequacy when compared to another whom I’ve assessed as being “more” of “some particular thing” than me.

It’s essentially an exercise in attempting to place things into simple, narrow-scoped, hierarchies. Placing things above and below each other comparatively, over-and-over again.

It’s exhaustively attempting to seek out the “hierarchical position,” of any one particular thing, when compared to any other particular thing, within its “hierarchical tree.” And then, through the nature of what hierarchies entail—a general sense of ascending order—it’s also attempting to assert “definite,” and “rigid” qualitative values to ALL THE THINGS within that particular “hierarchical structure.”

I feel deferring to these types of “qualitative comparisons,” is in one way, the action of “choosing to place value somewhere,” and then, directly through the action of “choosing to place value somewhere,” it’s also, inversely the action of “choosing to NOT place value, elsewhere.” 

It’s, by being additive, the act of also being subtractive.

And then, by “choosing to place value somewhere,” I’ll often find I’ve set myself up for a failed expectation of some sort, by assuming that I’ve correctly and accurately—which then of course becomes rigidly—ascribed the value. Basically, I feel my ego wants for me to assume a correctness, or a rigidness to my value associations, so then, I’m allowed to feel good about my own personal value assessments. So then, I can feel good about the “order,” which I’ve personally assigned, to an ABSOLUTELY excellently-defined “hierarchical world.”

At least, that’s how my ego would LOVE to interpret it.

In other words, I feel the practice of placing “qualitative comparative values” on other human beings, typically, will almost always results in some form of “ego-harm,” to either myself or the other, than it does to providing something truly, and actually beneficial, to either myself or the other. I feel it’s very often, just simply the “hewing” and “rending” from one, in order to “build” and “polish” another.

So, for this part of the investigation of my past-practiced racism, this particular tendency of mine—my tendency to want to place “qualitative comparative values” on other human beings, especially when used as a form of “Inverse Self-Definition”—is something I’m happy to make a commitment to seek to meaningfully adjust my behavior with respect to.

And now, being that I feel this way, I’m also happy to earnestly apologize for my past behaviors with respect to this tendency.

So here it is:

Seeking to “qualitatively comparatively analyze” ANY individual, has been a problematic practice for me. But, it’s been an even more especially problematic practice, when I was as large of an ignorant idiot as I’ve almost ever been. When I was using something as arbitrary, as the color of a person’s skin, to make rigid, unjust, and uncalled for qualitative assertions about an individual. And further, that through doing so, I was seeking to bolster my own personal perceived value via “Inverse Self-Definition.” 

Assigning broad, sweeping, generalized qualities, based upon an individual’s race, and asserting those qualities as being lesser than my own—in other words, actively being racist—is something I’m truly ashamed of. And for this, I’m genuinely sorry. 

I’m sorry to all those I unfairly directed this qualitative comparative reasoning toward, without them ever even knowing I was doing so. I’m sorry to those who were friends with me during this time, as the example I set with my behavior was completely wrong and is something I’m deeply ashamed of. And I’m very specifically sorry to the poor innocent Asian girl, whom I directly attacked with racist hate-speech.

I know nothing I say will take away the pain I’ve caused in the past, but what I can say is this. I know, due to the pain I’ve caused in the past, I’ve spent time earnestly trying to learn lessons from that pain, and going forward, I’ll do my absolute best to honor the lessons of the pain, I know, I caused.

Assessing unjust, uncalled for, and unnecessary “qualitative comparative assertions” toward others, especially as a form of “Inverse Self-Definition,” is a practice I commit to monitoring and adjusting within myself to the best of my ability. I intend to seek to remember, when I make qualitative assertions about someone, those assertions are NOT the entire picture. But rather, my assertions are limited by the scope of my own limited experience, and in no way, are an actually accurate portrayal of any other.

And further, these “qualitative comparative assertions,” which I know I have a tendency to make, are small, most likely incorrect, erroneous data points. They are NOT rigid, NOT static, and NOT unchanging in ANY WAY whatsoever.

We’re each and every one of us on a path, and any snapshot that’s ever taken at any time, of any particular thing, only ever captures the tiniest fraction of what “the whole,” in its entirety, actually is.

These above are the things I seek to remember, and they are the behavioral adjustments I’m comfortable committing to. 

Finally, with all of that being said, I do feel it’s worth noting, as I move forward, due to my own observed natural tendency to process my environment in the above stated ways, I’ll likely fail several times while seeking to adjust this behavior of “asserting comparative qualities” towards others. But even still, with this being as it very most likely is, as I fail and continue forward, these are the things of which I intend to earnestly strive for.

So again, I’m truly sorry for my past-practiced racist behaviors. I was an ignorant idiot then, and unfortunately, I’m sure in ways I’ve yet to discover, I’m very likely still, an ignorant idiot now. 

But, I do know, I’m willing to change. And, I do know, I’m capable of change. And further, with respect specifically to racism, I’m happy to confirm it’s something I’ve not actively personally expressed, or practiced, in almost two-and-half decades. It’s not something which has been a part of my personal life expressions for a very long time now.

So, even with my lack of actively personally practicing racism for such a long time, this type of inner-exploration, inner-observation, or inner-inquisition, being publicly explored, is precisely one of the specific things I’ve intended this writing space to be used for. So thank you for journeying with me, once again, into my shame.

And now… at least for the time being, this ugly part of my past self, has for me, been sufficiently explored.

-Ashamedly,

-Ignorant Idiot Me