Dilapidated Bridges, Compassion, And States Of Significant Disrepair.

How is one to find compassion, empathy, and understanding for those that have caused oneself significant prior pain?

For me, in order to solve riddles such as these it almost always inevitably begins by first figuring out the proper way to frame the riddle into another question. Which is not to dissimilar to learning how to solve, or how to do, any other particular thing. In that once you know the questions to ask you inevitably begin to find the answers. But knowing the questions to ask can often times be the most challenging part.

It can almost be thought of as needing to know a language about something, before being able to learn about something.

In this particular case I’ve found that the way for myself to solve this riddle is to ask the following:

“What could the other individual have possibly been through that resulted in their deciding to behave towards myself and/or towards others in such a way that it would cause us significant pain?”

Once sincerely questioning this, I find that it leads me towards feeling thoughts of compassion that sound something similar to this:

“This other person’s past experiences must have left quite an impact on them for them to behave in this fashion which is causing pain to myself and/or to others. I sincerely hope that they don’t have to experience whatever those experiences were again. And my heart goes out to them for the pain that they must have experienced in their past, which likely played a large part in helping shape their decisions in how they chose to treat myself and/or others in such a way which I know that I myself did not enjoy.”

Thinking along this train of thought, if I feel like I’ve been wronged by others, it’s likely that a large part of why these others are behaving in this way, is simply because they’ve been wronged by others themselves. Which sometimes definitely includes the possibility of, the list of names of those whom have wronged them, including my very own individual name! (And unfortunately this has proven to be all to true with my personal past life experience).

So concerning myself with my pain, and only my pain in these situations, doesn’t resolve the issue that pain in general exists. And it doesn’t resolve the fact that pain is likely to continue to happen again to myself, as well as to those that have chosen to cause pain to me, and also to everyone and everything else.

In fact concerning myself with just my pain seems incredibly trivial when compared to the pain that exists everywhere. And examining this closer, I feel that it’s extremely likely, that if instead of focusing on the resolution of only my own individual pain, that if I instead concern myself with the resolution of the pain of others, that by shifting my focus and attention in this way, that this is actually the way towards the beginning of the resolution of the pain in myself in the first place.

So essentially I feel that by concerning myself with the pain in those individuals who have caused me pain, by finding compassion for those that have treated me poorly, I feel that this is a big step in the direction towards ultimately finding resolution for my own individual pain.

Also, if why I’m currently examining this, is with the hopes of being able to forever prevent further experiencing pain for myself, for others that I know, or for everyone and everything else, well that’s just simply preposterous! As I believe that pain is necessary for life, it’s necessary for growth, and it’s a fundamental aspect of being. So perhaps instead of fearing the possibility of experiencing pain from others again, I should instead seek to comfortably embrace it.

With this attitude, I could decide to consider pain to be an old friend who’s worth listening to and worth spending time with. But as with anything else there’s always a balance to be maintained. So I need to remember that in this example, pain is not my “only” friend. Instead it’s just one of many. And this particular friend has just as many worthwhile things to listen to as do my other friends named joy, smiles, laughter, and happiness.

So, in summary; If I’ve felt pain from others, it’s likely due to themselves feeling pain from others first (which sometimes can be considered as form of the individual acting in a state of ignorance). Which leads me to feel that working towards understanding the pain that caused them to cause me pain in the first place, is likely the way towards the resolution of “our” collective pain.

Though, while thinking this through, I feel that I must add that when it comes to working towards the understanding of the pain of others, I believe that it’s a process which requires the other individual involved to also be actively wishing and wanting to understand their own pain as well. Meaning that I know that I’m not able to convince others that it’s worth exploring their own individual pain, no matter how much I urge them to explore it, and no matter all of the benefits that I claim could be a result of it. And also that it’s not possible for me to personally explore their pains for them. The individuals themselves have to be the ones who are ready and willing to seek out their own individual resolutions for their own individual pains. This is simply because every single person’s pain is unique, different, and individual to that one particular person.

Essentially I feel that we all suffer from very similar things, but that each person and each situation is also infinitely unique, different, and special between each and every single individual other. Which means that only the individual persons themselves have the ability to understanding the keys that are necessary for unlocking their own individual personal-pain-associated-puzzles.

So unless the individual who I’m currently seeking to find compassion with, for respect to pain that I’ve personally felt is directly due to their behavior and their actions, unless they’re also interested in understanding why it is that I feel that they chose to cause me pain, complete resolution and restoration of trust between myself and that individual is unfortunately unlikely.

I feel that I’m only capable of forgiving another for what’s specifically been done to myself by this other. But that while doing so, I’m not capable of helping the other of finding for themselves forgiveness for their own personal actions. And unless it seems like the other has truly decided that they wish to put their past behaviors towards me behind them, and to find resolution with me about them, it will be unlikely for me to ever feel a sense of confidence in my ability to begin to completely trust this other.

In other words, rebuilding trust with another who has caused one pain is a two-way street. And depending on the pain felt inflicted, or inflicted upon by one another to another, it’ll take efforts by both parties to rebuild it. One party can only build a bridge so far. After which the other must also desire resolution and rebuilding in order for things to actually begin to mend. And if in the end, it’s only one party who feels like the bridge needs mending, rebuilding, or reassessing, while the other does not, then there’s nothing that the first party can do to help to begin restructuring things besides honoring their own individual feelings and communicating their feelings as well as they possibly can to the other. And if that communication results in no compassion, empathy, or understanding from the other, then there’s not much else that one can do.

Another way of saying this, is that if it’s not clearly expressed and understood by one individual that another individual genuinely empathizes with them for the pain that the other inflicted upon them, it’s not very easy, and unfortunately it’s likely near impossible, for complete trust to again exist between them. So if I’ve been hurt by someone, and I want to find forgiveness and compassion for that someone, I believe that I can. But finding forgiveness and compassion for that someone is only one single part of the process of rebuilding a relationship. Because, unless it’s communicated clearly that this someone else also understands that how they chose to behave towards me, which resulted in me feeling personal pain, would also be behavior that they themselves would not wish to have been on the receiving end of, then I find that it’s very difficult for myself to find the ability to trust this other someone to not behave in that particularly personally-felt undesirable way again.

So even though I feel that I can find compassion and understanding for others in the wrongs that I feel that they’ve done towards myself and towards others, that’s not entirely enough to rebuild a foundation of trust between one another. I feel that instead, in order for trust to regrow, the individuals involved in these situations need to be able to both find compassion, empathy, and understanding between and for one another. And it’s only when it’s clear that the emotions and feelings involved between these individuals are mutually understood, that they might be able to once again trust one another.

As a simple example, if someone is physically violent towards another, I believe that I can find compassion and understanding for them if I spend enough time thinking about them, their personal situation, and their past experiences. But in order for me to feel like they won’t be physically violent towards others again, in order for me to not harbor any fear that they might repeat their past actions, I need to feel like they have expressed genuine empathy and understanding for recognizing that they know that they themselves do not wish to be treated in such ways as they had once prior chosen to so do.

It feels like it’s only once an individual, in an example such as this, comes to recognize that for they themselves, that they now regret their past behaviors, that they would definitely not wish to be violently treated how it is that they once violently treated others. That it’s only then, once they’ve recognized this, that I’m likely to ever be able to rebuild any sort of trust with them.

Which to me, seems to be outside of the scope of just simply myself being able to find compassion for them. As no matter how much compassion I find for someone, if they wish to be treated differently than I do when it comes to pain, if they don’t recognize that what they’ve done in the past has already caused others pain, or if it’s simply the case that we have fundamental differences as to what causes one pain and what does not cause one pain. Well then, I feel that it’s not going to be entirely possible to trust one another to not wish to engage in causing each other pain simply via how it is that we’ve each defined pain differently for and between ourselves.

Basically, pain can mean many different things to many different people. And we all have the right to determine for ourselves how it is that we each would like to be treated, and in turn, how we would each like to treat others. And looking at this aspect of it, I feel like it’s a situation where not any one particular definition for what is or is not considered painful is a one-size-fits-all kind of thing. Instead I feel that there are too many corner cases to consider. Basically, every single person is at different stages of their lives with different understandings and different personal definitions for what they consider pain or not. There are indeed some broad generalizations that seem universally applicable to everyone, but along with these, there are also many one-off’s which instead seem that they are not.

So if one person feels pain and attempts to address it with the other, but instead of being met with compassion, empathy, or understanding, they’re instead met with a lack of compassion, a lack of empathy, or a lack of understanding, I feel like in a case like this, where there’s not mutual understanding for each other’s pain, that it’s unreasonable for there to be a possibility to rebuild a relationship built on complete trust between one another. I believe that the person who felt pain deserves to feel as if their feelings are understood and reciprocated before choosing to engage in a relationship of trust with the other individual again. Otherwise, the person who felt pain has no reason to believe that they won’t just simply feel that same pain all over again once more.

I believe that inside of looking at things like this that there’s plenty of room for individual growth, for individual redefinition of what one constitutes as pain, and for opportunities to learn to put yourself in the shoes of the other. Which I know is not an overly easy thing to do. As I know from my own personal experience that it can take an enormous amount of self-introspection, self-reflection, and self-exploration in order to truly put yourself into understanding the feelings and position of someone else.

I feel that it’s important to have mentioned this aspect of rebuilding relationships with those who have caused one pain, because in my experience people do have very different ideas about how they each would wish to be treated. And I think that this is great! And just because people wish to be treated differently, doesn’t make any individual right or wrong, instead it’s just simply different feelings for different people. But if someone is not respectful of how someone else wishes to be treated, it shouldn’t be much of a surprise that there’s not much trust in a relationship between those two individuals.

Essentially, I believe that everyone deserves to have their feelings respected, and to be able to exist in an environment where they feel safe to express their feelings. And that also, that others, myself included, deserve as much time as they need in order to find opportunities to find it within themselves to truly empathize with any other. That is, if finding these kinds of opportunities to empathize with another is something that they do indeed desire. And further, that if an understanding between two individuals isn’t able to be found, that they each deserve the right to exist exactly how it is that they wish to exist. I just hope that even in their differences, that they each still choose to treat the other as they themselves would wish to be treated.

So, I believe that the key here in the examples that I’ve been providing is that in order to truly resolve the pain that one may feel from, or towards, one another, is first to look to find compassion within oneself for the other. Which may then lead to communication with the other. And then through communication, mutual recognition, and understanding of the pain between one another might be found. And then if the pains felt between one another are all clearly expressed, understood, and truly empathized with by both parties, that finally the healing of the relationship might actually be able to begin. But of course this is contingent upon many different things and it will likely only be effective if both individuals are interested in putting in the time and the work required in order to repair such a thing.

As a final note to all of this, it seems important to me to also remember, that it’s true that not all bridges are always going to be rebuilt. And that sometimes it’s likely that a particular bridge was never going to be able to exist for forever in the first place. And in cases like these, once the individuals involved have expended the energy that they’ve decided that they had wished to expend into the existence of their relationship, into the existence of their bridge between one another, that it’s then time to learn what lessons there are that can be learned from that one particular bridge, from that one particular experience. And to then move on to other, hopefully more bountiful connections, relationships, and experiences further down the road, in some different pastures, and along some other waters.

Basically, bridges don’t need to be built everywhere, and not all broken bridges need to be repaired. Instead, I believe that it’s up to the individuals involved in the making and maintaining of their bridges, that it’s up to them if they wish to continue to participate in doing so. And as a result of this belief, I feel that each individual has the right to choose the bridges that they wish to continue to nurture, and the right to choose those that they no longer feel that they have the energy to maintain.

So if a particular bridge seems to be a source of pain for an individual, if that individual wishes to address it, it’s up to that individual. But just because one individual wishes to address it, doesn’t mean that the person on the other side of the bridge is in a space where they’re also looking to address it in turn.

For myself, in situations regarding dilapidated bridges, I’ve found that it’s effective for me to feel as if I’ve addressed things in a way that I feel is to the best of my ability as possible. Which to me means; to find as much care and compassion as I possibly can for the bridge in question, to give my good old friend named “pain” a warm and loving embrace, and if I’m not able to find any compassion, empathy, or understanding reciprocated, to then turn back around from the bridge that I feel is in a state of disrepair, to turn around from the bridge that I had just had hopes of making reparations towards, and to instead tend to my other bridges, to my other connections. But before doing so, leaving behind a note which is intended to read:

“Warmth, kindness, and care can be found over here yonder. Perhaps later on we’ll see each other here, there, or any other else where. Until then, please do take care.”

-Love
-jamesdainger